The past year has been a lot of things. A lot of learning. A lot of stepping into things. A lot of growth. A lot of what feels like stagnancy. A lot of contemplation. Of excitement. Of fear. Of more growth. I distinctly remember a time when I wasn't so sure anymore.
Not particularly of any one thing, but just in general. I realized I needed to let go of a lot of things. Of what I felt things should look like. How I felt things should be done. How I felt I should be or do. Where I had to constantly remind myself that my life, and the way I do things doesn't have to operate like anyone else's. (Other than perhaps my heart's capacity to take rejection/failture/the like, dust itself off and get back up again.) But aside from what's internal, there are no limits. There are no bounds. It was a little exhilarating, a little scary, and a lot interesting. In the process, I continually told God - "Here I am. This is me." As if it was something new to Him. As if my newly found revelations were unseen by Him. It was interesting. I adopted this attitude which I think could be really healthy. And it led me to my word for the year...
not acknowledging or expressing regret.
And by deciding this, it kind of gave me a pass. To feel however I wanted to feel. Do whatever I wanted to do. Wear, eat, take time for, etc. without remorse. And it was lovely. I can't say it was always right. But for the time being, it was quite nice. I feel like in that time period, it allowed me to uncover a little bit more about God's love for us. I never felt like I would put on a facade for God. But at times, I guess I put on one for myself. Of how I would desire myself to be, instead of just looking at, loving, accepting, and admiring myself for exactly how I am and how I was created. If there were pieces of my that I didn't want to associate with, I guess I just saw them as things I didn't have to. Anddddd that was that! Moving right along. But in a strange sense, now I've found that if there are pieces of me or things that I've done that I might not be most proud of, I've realized that I don't have to constantly call it out. I can just leave it be. I can accept it and admire it for what it is. A piece of my growth. A part of the process. A mistake I can learn from. I can move on. I can gently remind myself that I have the capability to learn and to grow and to move forward. That just as the wildflowers, I can bloom as a new day arises, nobody knowing quite exactly where or when, but that God had the very moment penciled in all along. That I don't have to be restricted by any rules, or thoughts, especially those self imposed, but that each day is a glorious journey. An adventure waiting to be unfolded. And most importantly that I never have to apologize for being too me. For speaking too quickly, for my thought process, for my style, nor for my presence. For not being perfect, or creating things perfectly or for the level at which I value myself and my work. I don't have to apologize for any of it, and neither do you. Our only jobs are find our source and be rooted. To allow ourselves to be nourished and grow. And to help shed a little extra beauty into this world.
from the musings of my mind & heart to yours,